Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about packing in this travelling life..this amazing adventure and going home. Maybe not forever but for an extended period. I’m missing my life by living it. I’m doing all these amazing things and meeting all these amazing people around the world but am I missing out on what’s really important? In the last 3 years of living abroad, I’ve missed weddings, engagements, births of my nearest and dearest family and friends. These are moments that I can’t get back and they can’t get back. Some of us have a joke that they will Photoshop me into the pictures or as one friend threatened to do; make a cut out mask of my face and pass it around to guests at her wedding. I thank Zeus that she didn’t. I have some sick-minded friends. Who knows what they would have done with ‘me’.
I am also torn because my current job situation in Europe places me significantly closer to my mom, stepdad and stepsister avec 3 adorable babies. I love them all so much but England isn’t my home. I couldn’t fathom living there again. It is really nice to be close to them. I get to see them 3 or 4 times a year this way instead of maybe once or twice every 2/3 years. I want to see my nephews and niece grow up. I want them to know who I am. I don’t just want to be a face on Skype or a name on a Christmas card. I’m worried that if I go back to Canada to live then I will miss out on this chance to see them grow up.
All of this aside, the thing that I am most worried about going home (if and when I do) is how to live there again. How do I try and stay in one place? I’m terrified that I’ll get home, get settled and want to leave. It keeps happening to me. I keep leaving. I also feel by going home I will have failed somehow; that I couldn’t hack living abroad. I know that’s silly because obviously I can. I’m also worried about jobs. Right now, I really enjoy this job. I really enjoy teaching. I am good at it. After years of searching for ‘something’ that is a real job or a real skill I’ve found it and it’s stupidly hard to do this job at home. I’m worried that if I go back then I will be stuck doing some shitty dead-end job again working for minimum wage. From my experiences this summer working at my old-old-old job in the store I know I don’t want to do that again.
These are the reasons why I’m terrified to go home and I am becoming terrified to live my life.